'
Q
: What do you give a sick canary?
A
: Tweetment!! . . . . .
Q
: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A
: Because they don’t know the words. . . . . .
Q
: What sits in custard looking cross?
A
: Apple Grumble! . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a dog with no ears?
A
: Anything you like- he won’t come to you . . . . .
Q
: What is a runner’s favourite subject in school?
A
: Jog-raphy! . . . . .
Q
: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A
: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone. . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A
: No idea . . . . .
Q
: What wobbles when it flies?
A
: A Jelly-Copter!! . . . . .
Customer:
Waiter, your thumb is in my soup.
Waiter:
Don’t worry Sir, it’s not hot!! . . . . .
Q
: What happens when two snails have a fight?
A
: They slug it out!!! . . . . .
Q
: Why is it that birds are sold quickly in pet shops?
A
: They tend to go cheep! . . . . .
Q
: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A
: A submarine with a built-in snorkel. . . . . .
Q
: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A
: To get to the Body Shop!! . . . . .
Q
: Why can’t two elephants go swimming?
A
: Because they only have one pair of trunks!! . . . . .
Q
: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A
: A towel . . . . .
Q
: What are Brazilian fans called?
A
: Brazil nuts! . . . . .
Q
: What do clouds wear under their clothes?
A
: Thunderwear . . . . .
Q
: Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
A
: They got jellygated! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the sand blush?
A
: Because the seaweed . . . . .
Q
: Have you heard the tale of the brick wall?
A
: I couldn’t tell you, you’d never get over it! . . . . .
Q
: Why are fruit trees such cry-babies?
A
: People are always picking on them! . . . . .
Q
: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A
: He was going to make a long-distance caw. . . . . .
Q
: What do you get when you cut a banana in half?
A
: A banana split! . . . . .
Q
: Forewords it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it?
A
: TON . . . . .
Q
: How do toads fly?
A
: By hopper-craft!! . . . . .
Q
: Why do dogs scratch themselves?
A
: Because they are the only ones that know where the itch is. . . . . .
Q
: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A
: Because they don’t know the words. . . . . .
Q
: why did the turkey cross the road?
A
: To prove he wasn’t chicken! . . . . .
Q
: What did the doctor say to the man who complained he was shrinking?
A
: You’ll have to be a little patient . . . . .
Q
: Why is it that birds are sold quickly in pet shops?
A
: They tend to go cheep! . . . . .
Q
: A man who worked in the butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair and wore size 11 shoes. What did he weigh?
A
: Meat . . . . .
Q
: What’s the chilliest ground in the premiership?
A
: Cold Trafford! . . . . .
Q
: A man who worked in the butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair and wore size 11 shoes. What did he weigh?
A
: Meat . . . . .
Young Boy:
Can I buy some bird seed, please?
Pet Shop Owner:
How many birds have you got?
Young Boy:
None, I want to grow some!! . . . . .
Q
: How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?
A
: His horse is called Friday . . . . .
Q
: Why do hens lay eggs?
A
: If they dropped them, they’d break. . . . . .
Q
: How do you make an apple crumble?
A
: Jump up and down on it . . . . .
Q
: Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
A
: It was a boxer! . . . . .
Q
: Why was six afraid of seven?
A
: Because seven eight nine!! . . . . .
Q
: What can you use to cut the sea?
A
: A sea-saw!! . . . . .
Q
: How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?
A
: His horse is called Friday . . . . .
Q
: How do you join the police force?
A
: Handcuff them all together!! . . . . .
Q
: Why should you never tell secrets in a garden?
A
: Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans talk (beanstalk) . . . . .
Q
: Why do elephants have trunks?
A
: Because they would look silly with no swimming costumes. . . . . .
Q
: What building has the most stories?
A
: The library . . . . .
Man:
Doctor, Doctor. My wife thinks she’s a clock!
Doctor:
Well stop winding her up then!! . . . . .
Q
: How do you make your coat last? -
A
: Make your trousers first!! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the Pensioner put wheels on his rocking chair?
A
: He wanted to rock and roll!! . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a dog with no ears?
A
: Anything you like- he won’t come to you . . . . .
Q
: Why did the cat join computer classes?
A
: To catch a mouse! . . . . .
Q
: Why can’t two elephants go swimming?
A
: Because they only have one pair of trunks!! . . . . .
Q
: How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?
A
: His horse is called Friday . . . . .
Q
: What part of a football ground is never the same?
A
: The changing rooms! . . . . .
Q
: What’s the same as half a loaf of bread?
A
: The other half . . . . .
Q
: When is the vet busiest?
A
: When it rains cats and dogs . . . . .
Q
: How do you make seven even?
A
: Take away the ’s’ . . . . .
Q
: What kind of dog tells time?
A
: A watch dog. . . . . .
Q
: Why does Santa enjoy working in the garden?
A
: Because he likes to Ho-Ho-Ho!! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the cat join computer classes?
A
: To catch a mouse! . . . . .
Q
: When is the vet busiest?
A
: When it rains cats and dogs . . . . .
Q
: How do you make seven even?
A
: Take away the ’s’ . . . . .
Q
: What did the grape say when it got trodden on?
A
: Nothing, it just gave a little whine!! . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A
: Douglas . . . . .
Q
: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years?
A
: M . . . . .
Q
: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
A
: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . .
Q
: A butcher is six foot tall, wears size 14 shoes, and has a 50 inch waist. What does he weigh?
A
: Meat . . . . .