'Q: Which insect didn’t play well in goal?  A: The fumble bee! . . . . . Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?  Player: I finished it in three days! . . . . . Q: What are Brazilian fans called?  A: Brazil nuts! . . . . . Q: What is a runner’s favourite subject in school?  A: Jog-raphy!    . . . . . Q: What sort of cake do you NOT want for Christmas?   A: A stomach cake!! . . . . . Q: Why do elephants have trunks?  A: Because they would look silly with no swimming costumes.   . . . . . Q: How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?   A: His horse is called Friday . . . . . Q: Forewords it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it?   A: TON . . . . . Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?  A: No idea . . . . . Q: What kind of dog tells time?  A: A watch dog. . . . . . Q: When is the vet busiest?  A: When it rains cats and dogs . . . . . Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?  A: No, you should eat your fingers separately. . . . . . Teacher: The bell’s gone Gary.  Gary: I didn’t take it! . . . . . Q: Why do hens lay eggs?  A: If they dropped them, they’d break. . . . . . Q: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?  A: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . . Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?  A: Douglas . . . . . Q: What do you get when you cut a banana in half?   A: A banana split! . . . . . Q: Why does Santa enjoy working in the garden?   A: Because he likes to Ho-Ho-Ho!! . . . . . Q: How did the frog cross the road?   A: He used the Green Cross Toad! . . . . . Q: What do you give a sick pig?   A: Oink-ment!! . . . . . Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?  A: No, you should eat your fingers separately. . . . . . Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?  A: A walkie-talkie. . . . . . Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years? A: M   . . . . . Q: What stories are told by basketball players?  A: Tall stories! . . . . . Teacher: The bell’s gone Gary.  Gary: I didn’t take it! . . . . . Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?  A: Douglas . . . . . Q: What do you call an Aardvark with a black eye and broken teeth?   A: A Vark... . . . . . Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?   A: A croaker spaniel!! . . . . . Q: How does an eskimo build his home?   A: Igloos it together!! . . . . . Q: When is a car not a car?  A: When it turns into a driveway . . . . . Q: Where do cow astronauts travel?  A: To the mooooon!! . . . . . Q: How do ghosts open doors?  A: They use skeleton keys . . . . . Q: Why did Santa lose his job?   A: The elves gave him the sack!! . . . . . Q: What’s yellow and swings from one Christmas cake to another?   A: Tarzipan!! . . . . . Q: Why are fruit trees such cry-babies?   A: People are always picking on them! . . . . . Q: What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly?   A: Incorrectly . . . . . Q: What part of a football ground is never the same?  A: The changing rooms! . . . . . Q: What do you give a sick canary?   A: Tweetment!! . . . . . Q: Why do hens lay eggs?  A: If they dropped them, they’d break. . . . . . Man: Doctor, Doctor. My wife thinks she’s a clock!  Doctor: Well stop winding her up then!! . . . . . Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes?   A: Thunderwear . . . . . Q: Who is in charge in the pencil case?  A: The ruler . . . . . Q: What do eskimos sing at parties?   A: Freeze a jolly good fellow..!! . . . . . Q: If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?  A: Wet . . . . . Q: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?  A: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . . Q: Why do dogs scratch themselves?   A: Because they are the only ones that know where the itch is. . . . . . Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?   A: A croaker spaniel!! . . . . . Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?  A: To get to the Shell station! . . . . . Q: Why are fruit trees such cry-babies?   A: People are always picking on them! . . . . . Q: How do ghosts open doors?  A: They use skeleton keys . . . . . Q: What is the largest ant in the world?  A: Ant-artica . . . . . Q: Why did the clock in the cafeteria always run slow?   A: Every lunchtime it went back 4 seconds . . . . . Q: What lights up a football stadium?  A: A football match! . . . . . Q: What do you call a dog with no ears?  A: Anything you like- he won’t come to you . . . . . Ref: I’m sending you off   Player: What for?  Ref: The rest of the match! . . . . . Q: What did the big bean say to the little bean?   A: Where have you been!! . . . . . Q: Why are clocks dirty?   A: Because they work 24 hours a day, and never wash their hands or face!!   . . . . . Q: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?  A: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . . Q: Why can’t two elephants go swimming?   A: Because they only have one pair of trunks!! . . . . . Q: What is black and white and black and white and black and white?  A: A penguin rolling down a hill! . . . . . Q: Why did the sand blush?  A: Because the seaweed . . . . . Q: Why did the gum cross the road?   A: It was on the chicken’s foot . . . . . Q: What’s green and sings?   A: A happy cabbage . . . . . Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?   A: A croaker spaniel!! . . . . . Teacher: The bell’s gone Gary.  Gary: I didn’t take it! . . . . . Q: Why do elephants have trunks?  A: Because they would look silly with no swimming costumes.   . . . . . Q: Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?  A: They might be cheetahs! . . . . . Q: What did the doctor say to the man who complained he was shrinking?   A: You’ll have to be a little patient . . . . . Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?   A: Open-Toad!! . . . . . Q: Why is it that birds are sold quickly in pet shops?  A: They tend to go cheep! . . . . . Q: Who is in charge in the pencil case?  A: The ruler . . . . . Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?   A: To get to the Body Shop!! . . . . . Q: What is in the middle of Paris?  A: R . . . . . Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes?   A: Thunderwear . . . . . Q: What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly?   A: Incorrectly . . . . . Q: Why did the weasel cross the road twice?  A: He was a double crosser . . . . . Q: How does an eskimo build his home?   A: Igloos it together!! . . . . . Q: What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly?   A: Incorrectly . . . . . Q: What’s silly and goes into space?   A: A loony module!! . . . . . Q: What’s green and sings?   A: A happy cabbage . . . . . Q: Would you rather have a tiger eat you or a lion?   A: I’d rather the lion ate the tiger . . . . . Q: What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs?   A: A Wonkey! . . . . . Q: Have you heard the tale of the brick wall?   A: I couldn’t tell you, you’d never get over it! . . . . . Q: Why should you never tell secrets in a garden?  A: Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beans talk (beanstalk)   . . . . . Q: What do you call a dog with no ears?  A: Anything you like- he won’t come to you . . . . . Q: What did the grape say when it got trodden on?   A: Nothing, it just gave a little whine!! . . . . . Q: Why do birds fly South?  A: Because it’s too far to walk. . . . . . Q: How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?   A: His horse is called Friday . . . . . Q: What sort of cake do you NOT want for Christmas?   A: A stomach cake!! . . . . . Q: What is the largest ant in the world?  A: Ant-artica . . . . . Q: A butcher is six foot tall, wears size 14 shoes, and has a 50 inch waist. What does he weigh?   A: Meat . . . . . Q: Why do birds fly South?  A: Because it’s too far to walk. . . . . . Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?   A: A croaker spaniel!! . . . . . Q: Why do hens lay eggs?  A: If they dropped them, they’d break. . . . . . Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?  A: A giraffic jam. . . . . . Q: When is a car not a car?  A: When it turns into a driveway . . . . . Q: Why do artists never win when they play football?  A: They keep drawing! . . . . . Q: How does an eskimo build his home?   A: Igloos it together!! . . . . . Q: What did the doctor say to the man who complained he was shrinking?   A: You’ll have to be a little patient . . . . . Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?  A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone. . . . . . Q: What is the bank manager’s favourite type of football?  A: Fiver side! . . . . . Q: Why did the cow cross the road?  A: To go to the movies . . . . . Q: What do you give a sick pig?   A: Oink-ment!! . . . . . Customer: Waiter, your thumb is in my soup.  Waiter: Don’t worry Sir, it’s not hot!! . . . . . Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?  A: Because they don’t know the words. . . . . . Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes?   A: Thunderwear . . . . . Q: What kind of dog tells time?  A: A watch dog. . . . . . Q: What lights up a football stadium?  A: A football match! . . . . . Q: What do you call a Donkey with 3 legs?   A: A Wonkey! . . . . . Q: How do you make seven even?   A: Take away the ’s’ . . . . . Q: How do you join the police force?   A: Handcuff them all together!! . . . . . Man: Doctor, Doctor. My wife thinks she’s a clock!  Doctor: Well stop winding her up then!! . . . . . Q: What is in the middle of Paris?  A: R . . . . . Q: What can you use to cut the sea?  A: A sea-saw!! . . . . . Q: How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?  A: Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!    . . . . . Q: How do you make seven even?   A: Take away the ’s’ . . . . . Q: Forewords it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it?   A: TON . . . . . Q: What’s the same as half a loaf of bread?   A: The other half . . . . . Q: What would happen if everyone in the country bought a pink car?  A: We would have a pink carnation (car nation) . . . . . Q: Why did the chicken get sent off?  A: For persistent fowl play! . . . . . Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?  A: To get to the Shell station! . . . . . Q: Why do artists never win when they play football?  A: They keep drawing! . . . . . Q: Why do elephants have trunks?  A: Because they would look silly with no swimming costumes.   . . . . . Q: What do you call a dog with no ears?  A: Anything you like- he won’t come to you . . . . . Q: What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?  A: Bring on their subs! . . . . . Q: What did the doctor say to the man who complained he was shrinking?   A: You’ll have to be a little patient . . . . . Q: What do you call an exploding monkey?  A: A baBOOM! . . . . . Ref: I’m sending you off   Player: What for?  Ref: The rest of the match! . . . . . Q: Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?  A: They might be cheetahs! . . . . . Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?  A: No, you should eat your fingers separately. . . . . . Q: What building has the most stories?   A: The library . . . . . Q: Why do birds fly South?  A: Because it’s too far to walk. . . . . . Q: Why are clocks dirty?   A: Because they work 24 hours a day, and never wash their hands or face!!   . . . . . Q: How do toads fly?   A: By hopper-craft!! . . . . . Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?  A: A walkie-talkie. . . . . . '