'
Q
: Which insect didn’t play well in goal?
A
: The fumble bee! . . . . . Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet? Player: I finished it in three days! . . . . .
Q
: What are Brazilian fans called?
A
: Brazil nuts! . . . . .
Q
: What is a runner’s favourite subject in school?
A
: Jog-raphy! . . . . .
Q
: What sort of cake do you NOT want for Christmas?
A
: A stomach cake!! . . . . .
Q
: Why do elephants have trunks?
A
: Because they would look silly with no swimming costumes. . . . . .
Q
: How could a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and ride out on Friday?
A
: His horse is called Friday . . . . .
Q
: Forewords it is heavy, backwards it is not. What is it?
A
: TON . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A
: No idea . . . . .
Q
: What kind of dog tells time?
A
: A watch dog. . . . . .
Q
: When is the vet busiest?
A
: When it rains cats and dogs . . . . .
Q
: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A
: No, you should eat your fingers separately. . . . . .
Teacher:
The bell’s gone Gary.
Gary:
I didn’t take it! . . . . .
Q
: Why do hens lay eggs?
A
: If they dropped them, they’d break. . . . . .
Q
: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
A
: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A
: Douglas . . . . .
Q
: What do you get when you cut a banana in half?
A
: A banana split! . . . . .
Q
: Why does Santa enjoy working in the garden?
A
: Because he likes to Ho-Ho-Ho!! . . . . .
Q
: How did the frog cross the road?
A
: He used the Green Cross Toad! . . . . .
Q
: What do you give a sick pig?
A
: Oink-ment!! . . . . .
Q
: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A
: No, you should eat your fingers separately. . . . . .
Q
: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A
: A walkie-talkie. . . . . .
Q
: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years?
A
: M . . . . .
Q
: What stories are told by basketball players?
A
: Tall stories! . . . . .
Teacher:
The bell’s gone Gary.
Gary:
I didn’t take it! . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A
: Douglas . . . . .
Q
: What do you call an Aardvark with a black eye and broken teeth?
A
: A Vark... . . . . .
Q
: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?
A
: A croaker spaniel!! . . . . .
Q
: How does an eskimo build his home?
A
: Igloos it together!! . . . . .
Q
: When is a car not a car?
A
: When it turns into a driveway . . . . .
Q
: Where do cow astronauts travel?
A
: To the mooooon!! . . . . .
Q
: How do ghosts open doors?
A
: They use skeleton keys . . . . .
Q
: Why did Santa lose his job?
A
: The elves gave him the sack!! . . . . .
Q
: What’s yellow and swings from one Christmas cake to another?
A
: Tarzipan!! . . . . .
Q
: Why are fruit trees such cry-babies?
A
: People are always picking on them! . . . . .
Q
: What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly?
A
: Incorrectly . . . . .
Q
: What part of a football ground is never the same?
A
: The changing rooms! . . . . .
Q
: What do you give a sick canary?
A
: Tweetment!! . . . . .
Q
: Why do hens lay eggs?
A
: If they dropped them, they’d break. . . . . .
Man:
Doctor, Doctor. My wife thinks she’s a clock!
Doctor:
Well stop winding her up then!! . . . . .
Q
: What do clouds wear under their clothes?
A
: Thunderwear . . . . .
Q
: Who is in charge in the pencil case?
A
: The ruler . . . . .
Q
: What do eskimos sing at parties?
A
: Freeze a jolly good fellow..!! . . . . .
Q
: If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?
A
: Wet . . . . .
Q
: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
A
: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . .
Q
: Why do dogs scratch themselves?
A
: Because they are the only ones that know where the itch is. . . . . .
Q
: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?
A
: A croaker spaniel!! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A
: To get to the Shell station! . . . . .
Q
: Why are fruit trees such cry-babies?
A
: People are always picking on them! . . . . .
Q
: How do ghosts open doors?
A
: They use skeleton keys . . . . .
Q
: What is the largest ant in the world?
A
: Ant-artica . . . . .
Q
: Why did the clock in the cafeteria always run slow?
A
: Every lunchtime it went back 4 seconds . . . . .
Q
: What lights up a football stadium?
A
: A football match! . . . . .
Q
: What do you call a dog with no ears?
A
: Anything you like- he won’t come to you . . . . .
Ref:
I’m sending you off
Player:
What for?
Ref:
The rest of the match! . . . . .
Q
: What did the big bean say to the little bean?
A
: Where have you been!! . . . . .
Q
: Why are clocks dirty?
A
: Because they work 24 hours a day, and never wash their hands or face!! . . . . .
Q
: Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
A
: Pepper water makes them sneeze . . . . .
Q
: Why can’t two elephants go swimming?
A
: Because they only have one pair of trunks!! . . . . .
Q
: What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A
: A penguin rolling down a hill! . . . . .
Q
: Why did the sand blush?
A
: Because the seaweed . . . . .
Q
: Why did the gum cross the road?
A
: It was on the chicken’s foot . . . . .
Q
: What’s green and sings?
A
: A happy cabbage . . . . .
Q
: What do you get if you cross a dog and a frog?
A
: A croaker spaniel!! . . . . .
Teacher:
The bell’s gone Gary.
Gary:
I didn’t take it! . . . . .
Q
: Why do elephants have trunks?
A
: Because they would look silly with no swimming costumes. . . . . .
Q
: Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
A
: They might be cheetahs! . . . . .
Q
: What did the doctor say to the man who complained he was shrinking?
A
: You’ll have to be a little patient . . . . .
Q
: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
A
: Open-Toad!! . . . . .